Amy's Robot

The VMAs. Every year, I watch the damn things. Every year, I have to cleanse my entire body, including every internal organ and mucous membrane, with lye afterwards. Some observations:

-what perverse freak orchestrated the Parade of Celebrity Psychopaths, consisting of James Brown (with a big, flashing "James Brown" sign behind him, so the 14 year olds in the audience would know who he was) introducing Britney Spears (in a perfect hybridization outfit of Madonna and Rhythm Nation-era Janet Jackson) introducing Michael Jackson. The Artist of the Millennium. Whatever the hell THAT means.

-How did the Hives not win the fucking MTV2 award? Those Swedes were the realest rock of the whole night.

-Eminem is well on his way to complete Will Smith-ification. So dull at the acceptance speeches! And on and on with the Hayley stuff! At least we got him shirtless and tattooed for his performance, which was the best visual of the whole show.

-What is the difference, according to MTV, between rap and hip-hop? There was both a rap award and a hip-hop award. Isn't rap the music and hip-hop is the style? Or perhaps if it involves Ashanti, it's hip-hop? That's the best I can do.

-I want to take a bath in a big tub of money like Ludacris does.

-Do any real, actual rich people drink Courvoisier, or is it just nouveau-riche tastesless rappers who are pretending they have class?

-Holy Christ: Guns n' Roses. I still love Axl. I wet my pants. I jumped up and down with Jimmy Fallon. The New York Times spelled his name wrong (caption) (via Trashrock) (login req'd) UPDATE: Apparently, NYT has now fixed the misspelling, probably due to an email that T-Rock actually sent to Jon Pareles. And Axl perfectly described the sort of pathetic nostalgic appeal of the new GnR in his post-show interview with Kurt Loder: "And how do you make a whole bunch a guys that were something else into something that already was?" Exactly.

Salon's gossip: just read the last one. Reality Beverly Hillbillies. Seriously. Wasn't ADM predicting something along these lines the other day?

Didn't Robert Downey, Jr. do the same thing, and get arrested? Those turtles always get the special treatment.

Those Australians might be taking over the world, but they sure are dorks.

One Hour Photo: eh. Let me say first that I don't really like Robin Williams as an actor, or at least, I don't like him in any movie he's done since, say, Garp, so this is the role I have been waiting for him to play for something like 20 years.

And, in a way, it was worth the wait: he does a much better job playing the baddie in this one than he did in the flat Insomnia.

Here, he fleshes out a caricature, and has a calm, almost unintentional menace that is fun to watch.

Elsewhere, the movie's cast isn't very inspiring: in fact, except for Eric Benton, they are almost invisible, which maybe is part of the point. Benton's quiet manner as the lead detective is memorable and compelling, even though he probably only has about 10 minutes of screen time.

Former music video director Mark Romanek puts together some interesting visuals, but where you least expect them: in the aisles of a Wal-Mart-like store, in a dimly lit hotel room, in a parking garage, etc. He does a nice job of contrasting the "Tweeds"-catalog interiors of the main family's home with the sterility of the department store.

I'm also impressed that Romanek wrote the movie himself. Some of the dialog is a little clunky, particularly the expository stuff in the beginning, but eventually things get moving, themes get developed, and it all ties in. One of the major themes is commodification and consumerism and (apparently) the emotional sterility that these seem to engender. Both Williams' character and the cipher-family seem to suffer from it, one in more obvious ways than the other.

Is it a great movie, or a particularly subtle one? No, but, it works, particularly in the back half. Romanek makes a few decisions that keeps it away from inevitablility and cliche, but he could have made other decisions that would have made the movie bolder than it is.

I'll tell you one thing: 25-28 year old graduate students are a whole lot more attractive than all those 18 year old undergrads.

What's that adage about how what passes for news in August is always a lot of silly crap?

Have people been watching the new Denis Leary/Larry Clarke project on Comedy Central, Contest Searchlight? I sure as hell will be tonight at 10:30. Features Peter Gallagher in chaps, and a major diss on HBO.

Some news on the increasingly irrelevant Rolling Stone, which just got a new editor and a new look.

So this is what I got to say to y'all: Name your baby after a video game, win $10,000. Everybody's rapping like it's a commercial. Actin' like life is a big commercial.

So now I'd like to pass the mic to the A.

So you know there's this FBI computer program called "Carnivore", right, that reads all your email? Well, these guys have a better version -- one that will allow monitoring of email, IM, etc. And not just the government can use it: your workplace can to. So just in case you were thinking of starting a blog and updating it from your job...don't. [via /.]

Another piece I wasn't going to post... this is a Salon article (by Michelle Goldberg, which is largely what got me there) about why 96% of movies are still directed by men, in this day and age. Much more interesting, and much less vague and petulant than I expected. Interesting points: one reason is that there is still no tradition of the female auteur, and another is that big producers seem to misconstrue the wheeling-dealing phase of a female director selling them on their movie idea as a come-on.

I don't know if everyone on the planet is already familiar with the True Porn Clerk Stories website, (I mean, it's been on NPR, as the author comments in a recent post) but anyway, here it is. Some really outstanding commentary on men, women, porn, and the people who rent it to them. [via Jim]

I wasn't going to post the Fametracker piece on Tim Blake Nelson, because I already rip them off like every day, but since the phrase "what in dangnation" is used in it, and The Good Girl is described as a "rube-apolooza", I couldn't resist.

Amy's Robot as stress-management. ADM and I are here to enable as many addictions as you can acquire.

Hey, it's only 3.1 million yogurt lids. [via m@]

Funny/depressing piece from Salon: just be glad you are not in sales.

Very weird article about the riots at the Leeds Carling Weekend Festival in the UK over the weekend, including a brushed-over mention of a dead guy in a tent.

A school district in suburban Atlanta is now requiring science teachers to teach "diverse theories" of the origin of the human species. By which they mean, as you might expect, biblical creationism. [login required] What is going to happen to these kids when they try to apply to college or talk to, you know, actual scientists?

This '80's revival madness has got to stop. For crying out loud. This new Rhino SEVEN CD box set that just came out has transformed nostalgia for '80's pop into some kind of pre-emptively snide kitchy ridicule of the whole decade. It contains no Prince, Madonna or rap, but does include "Heartbeat" by Don Johnson. Now, I love "Pour Some Sugar On Me" as much as the next girl, but I don't want to listen to it on some cruddy compilation that is more concerned with making fun of bands like Def Leppard and a-ha than with appreciating the quality music that came out in that decade. Plus, the whole world is sick to death of nostalgia. [via King Pigeon]

Britney Spears: stuffing what's left of her nice-farm-girl integrity forcibly down every toilet in sight. Now she's all about the drink and the sex. Madness! And her parents' recent divorce? The "best thing that's ever happened to her family." How many months until she runs over a toddler or is found hiding in the woods behind someone's house in Sacramento?

I guess September 11 conspiracy theorists can add this one to their list and take the rest of the day off: a gov't intelligence agency planned to simulate an aircraft flying into one of their buildings on September 11.

Sorry if this news item is already part of the general consciousness.

Everyone thinks their dad smells.

The actual text from this article about Michael Jackson's alleged third child (named, of course, Prince Michael II) is so much more illuminating than any silly joke I could make, so I'll just give you this: "Jacko arrived at a Siegfried and Roy show with three kids in tow, rather than his regular two. According to the magazine, Jackson went backstage after the performance and introduced a six-month-old boy to the bronzed tiger tamers as "my third child."

Coming attractions: A Midsummer Night's Rave, starring Taye Diggs and Carrie Fisher. What the hell. That is the fuckedest thing I've ever heard.

Forgive me if my teammate has already discussed this, but: Look, America, do you see what happens when you put real people's lives on TV? Even fake real people like Ozzy Osbourne? What happens is that somebody gets cancer, and people's lives start falling apart, and then there is real human misery being proffered as entertainment, and it's all there for everyone to see. And it's real, and it's fake. And there are kids involved, and it's a big mess.

If I had more time, I would discuss how this relates to the PBS "reality" show Frontier House, which also featured little kids reacting genuinely to manufactured stress, but I'll save it for another time...such as next year when PBS (no doubt) will air Welfare House about some Upper East Side transplants and their 8-year-old foster child sent to live in Cabrini Green, armed only with their food stamps and SSI checks.

Interesting article in NY Times about the undoing of the Backstreet Boys, the opportunism of N*Sync, and what the rise and sort-of-fall of the boy band phenomena says about the music industry, specifically TRL. [via Whiskas] [I should probably just hire other people to do the blog for me while ADM is away.]

We should all consider suing our parents for sending us outside with no sunscreen on for our entire childhoods. [also via Ash, who is very focused on job productivity today]

Those fiesty drug users and prostitutes of Vancouver are fighting back against the hoardes of film crews that disrupt their lives when they come to shoot movies cheaply.

Excellent website devoted to teaching the ladies to pee standing up. So convenient, and no mess! [via Ashley]

It's 1 in the afternoon, and I got nothing, people. So, I'm reblogging something really deeply hilarious that Becky blogged. It's a list of things that an English man and his German girlfriend have argued about, and it makes me more sure of my own compatibility with all of humanity than anything I've read in a while. And these people have a child together.

Some news on who's been visiting Robert Blake in his cell, including Diane Sawyer, Quincy Jones, and Anthony Hopkins. He is also able to use a phone inside his cell to call people, which if any of these guards had seen Lost Highway, they would realize that this will probably allow Blake to simultaneously exist in both his cell and in the guards' homes, where he will sneak around with a video camera and make Balthazar Getty come out of their heads.

Everybody must get stoned... including, it seems, this Nigerian woman, whose case has attracted global attention. For awhile it looked like she would be given some other, non-biblical form of punishment.

NYT has a story on prosecution of the Russian mob. Guess they have a problem with rats. [$1000 registration required...For suckas, that is.]

Hey! Remember me! The other half of Amy's Robot?! Well, I'm back, even if I'm not back.

Here's a little reporting about Mexican web browsers for you: the Back button is labelled "Atras", the Stop button says "Detener", and the Refresh button is "Actualizar". Also, there are no "greater than" or "less than" keys on the keyboards. No wonder there aren't any Mexican HTML coders.

I haven't seen any chihuahuas yet, even though I am in their home city.

Not sure how I missed this article about John Waters' actual NY apartment when I posted a bit about him the other day... anyway, it's very good. He makes a point of drinking every Friday "like a coal miner with a paycheck in his pocket." [login required]

A very simple but artful memorial to the events of September 11 in a lower Manhattan store has an uncertain future, because the store is going out of business. Some good insights about New Yorkers' conflicting desires to remember and to move on. [login required]

Great gossip on Salon today: Asia Argento: sex; Gwyneth: lame British men; and John Waters: dope and NYU.

Ex-pimp Ice-T is marrying his girlfriend, the 23 year old "Coco". He also picks out her clothes every day, "Coco" enthusiastically reports.

Johnny Cash is doing covers of "Personal Jesus", and "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails. He is also 70 years old.

Roger Ebert: I love you. 24 Hour Party People: **** And I'm sure he had no idea who the Happy Mondays were before seeing it, though (OH MY GOD) apparently he met the Sex Pistols back in the day.

In case anyone missed that emotional roller-coaster, love-it/hate-it, manipulative boyfriend chain-puller that was 24, FX is showing all 24 episodes back-to-back. The first show of the second season is October 29, and it is apparently going to be shown commercial-free.

OK I'll say it. Couldn't get any decent sponsors, huh?

It seems the media (Amy's Robot included) is quickly reaching some Gwyneth Paltrow saturation point: she's in the news again, for something just as silly. Seems she told the press that British men are reticent and timid and don't ask women out. OK, much as I made fun of her yesterday for her "It's so sad that nobody writes letters anymore, I mean, I don't write them either, but I'm famous..." comment and for her hideous tit-sag dress, I have to side with Gwynny on this one. This nasal, gum-chewing US girl isn't impressed with British men either.

Well. Except for one, right ADM?

The NY Times reports on where you're likely to run into John Waters when he's staying at his New York apartment. [login required, via Dylan]

I don't want to be around when Nature Bites Back from this one, and unleashes some hellspawn Baby Goat Mouse with cloven hooves and testicles growing out of its face. Sick, just sick.

For the You Can't Take It With You file: interesting list of the top-earning dead celebrities. Via Becky.

Poor intellectual Gwyneth Paltrow think it's just so sad that the barbarians of the 21st century don't write letters any more, an important lesson she apparently learned from her new, rumored-to-be-crappy movie Possession. The outfit she has on in the first link's photo, taken at the Oscars, is seriously the worst outfit I have ever seen in my life.

The best part about Eddie Murphy's fame audit is the revelation of the big secret that Bowfinger was the funniest recent movie he has been in. Because it was. I once thought that ADM and I were the only two people who felt this way, (probably because we were the only two people who actually saw it) so thank you Adam Sternbergh (dude, that's what the site says) for the validation.

This photographer's take on moths is surprisingly touching and lovely. Lichen moths, polyphemus moths... look out for the quote where he explains why luna moths remind him of AIDS victims. [login required]

Those nice boys in Megadeth are such fanatical Buddy Holly fans that they are recording an unreleased song of his. Will the Heavy Metal Karaoke band at Arlene's have to learn a new song?

The New York Times: desperately square. Their review of a recent Rockabilly show (featuring bands from the 1950's) at Lincoln Center is very enthusiastic, but they seem to have absolutely no idea that Rockabilly is busting out all over. Nostalgia be damned, the kids love it!

The New York Times: not so into the summer, apparently. Sunlight can make you more depressed than you already are, and heat stroke kills more people each year than every other natural disaster combined. [login required]

Snoop is keeping it real for his kids by starring in A Very Merry Muppet Chronic Christmas Movie.

Adam "Ponderosa" Ant has lost his mind.

Let's see, what's going on in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska: well, they had to put down 3 grizzlies. They moved a drill rig across the oil field yesterday, and, oh yeah, a fox was looking at some geese.

Hovering over much of Asia is an Airborne Toxic Event, just like the one I read about in college.

Some person who should clearly come work for Amy's Robot has set up a website where people who host blogs can post the really funny/creepy/sick search phrases that lead viewers to their websites, a phenomena that we have commented on recently. List contains a few very funny examples, especially a little ways into it. [via Chrissy]

Very funny NYTimes article about Steve Coogan, the Manc comedian and satirist who plays the legendary Factory Records founder Tony Wilson in the excellent 24 Hour Party People, and totally makes the movie. [via K-Hi, login req'd] This guy is going to be the next major British comic to make it in America, and he's much funnier than Rowan Atkinson.

Chuck D, I love you, but man, you make no sense. Eminem the new Elvis? But he's racist? Or....wait, he's NOT racist? Uhh?

I have been waiting for this moment since the first time I visited Fametracker. I present to you: the loving and tender Fame Audit of My Psychic Celebrity Doppelganger. [tx Whiskas for the immediate notification]

Great Galaxy of Fame installment from Fametracker that deals with, you know, how fucking nuts everyone in Hollywood is.

NYTimes reports on the Sturgis bike rally, where ADM just was. The Yuppies are ruining it, so it seems: there's way less drunken rowdiness than in other years, and the ladies aren't showing their tits. [login required]

So many good movies out this week, I can't believe I'm still sitting here at work. 24 Hour Party People is a mostly fictionalized movie about the "Madchester" scene, Factory Records, and the man behind it all, Tony Wilson. And perennial rock-psycho Mark E. Smith has a cameo.

I was right, I was right! Roger Ebert likes XXX! If three and a half stars from Ebert means anything anymore...

Yet another film organization holds yet another survey of the top films ever, and yet again, Citizen Kane is number one. There are apparently two rankings this time, one by critics and one by film directors, but the most recent movie to appear on either list is Raging Bull, which came out in 1980. Tough crowd.

Why are there so many bikers on the road in South Dakota...Oh yeah, Bike Week in Sturgis. They are like ants. Meanwhile, the winner of the Amys Robot Worst Highway Interchange competition has been announced: Congratulations to Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I mean, what gives with running the big inter-province highway right into town, then having the other big highway start off as a suburban soccer mom street. Are you fricking kidding me, Calgary DOT!... But, big shouties to South Centre Volkswagen, who got me that second spare tire I needed in no time flat. I even took an Elvis shower in their bathroom. But, big negative propers to whoever-slash-whatever was rustling around my tent last night and made me yell the way I do when I have night terrors. (Sorry, fellow campers.) PS. The punctuation on this keyboard is all screwed up, hence the odd syntax slash formatting.

Wait... high schools have fraternities now?

Salon always has to be the naysayer. They, of course, like The Anna Nicole Show. Sort of. At least, they make the very clever point that The Osbournes is to The Anna Nicole Show as People magazine is to US Weekly.

Maybe if Sharon Osbourne had just used electric shock therapy to lose weight instead of getting her stomach stapled, her entire digestive system wouldn't now be full of cancer! Oyyy.

Thank God I never got one of these fake internet crush emails, because if I had, and now found out it was all fake, I would probably kill myself.

I wouldn't be surprised if XXX turned out to be, in its own way, great. This preview/review sure has good things to say about Asia Argento--I'll be seeing it for her.

Ok, I know you have all been driven senseless waiting for the Amy's Robot recap of The Anna Nicole Smith Show, the first Osbournes ripoff. But really, I have been too depressed and stony-hearted to even go into it. It is, as Whiskas stated, UN. WATCH. ABLE. First of all, Anna is this hollow, doped-up, gold-digging idiot, I'm really sorry, but she is. When asked about the current situation in Israel, she just looked blank and inert, staring out of her dead, inhalant-dazed eyes, and said "I know nothing.....about.....nothing." Which, really, says it all. Gone is the saucy Texas big-boobed model, the reincarnation of Jayne Mansfield but trashier, and all that's left is this overly-made-up shell squeezed into horrible outfits, flopping around on a bed and humping things. She, unlike Ozzy, has nothing to say.

Also in the scenes when she's hanging out at home, not wearing any makeup, she looks like a cashier at an East Texas Krystal. It's so sad. I'm sorry, Anna.

Even poor Television Without Pity has trouble writing a decent recap of this garbage--they need to just give up and be mean, it would make for much better reading.

Metapost: Somebody searched for and then translated this site in GERMAN!! So cool! Roboter des Amys!

Great article on Salon about the Chrysler Building, which is certainly my favorite skyscraper--as the writer points out, it always looks like the future. Awesome description of the decadent speakeasies on the 66th-68th floors during the 1930's.

All kinds of strange and horrifying news in upcoming movie deals on E! today, but the worst one is definitely this: Jack Osbourne.... playing himself....... on the Dawson's Creek season premiere.

Coming this Fall: Sopranos frozen pizza.

Some Catholic women who were ordained in a non-official ceremony apparently committed such an "affront to the dignity of women" that the Church excommunicated them.

Absolutely amazing interview with Britney Spears on CNN. She's listening to a lot of hip hop, like Jay-Z. Also, on being recently named the world's most powerful celebrity, she says, "It's very flattering to be called that. They told me that about a week ago and I was like, "What, me? Okay, this is cool!" I was very happy."

Salon's not into babies today, but they do have a great article on all the lapsed registered domain names that are out there, and speculates on the purpose of these now-defunct websites with freaky names. Freepancakes.com....mmm.

Freaky siamese twins born with connected heads in Guatemala. They are both named Maria. Talk about identity confusion, sheesh. My little niece Maya's skull isn't fused to anything.

In honor of my new niece MAYA ROSE, born last night, we'll have a childbirth/baby theme today here at the 'bot. First up: a sort of lactation-athon in Berkeley, with over 1100 people breastfeeding communally.

Brad Pitt: 10 years to Kenny Rogers.

John Voigt (Midnight Cowboy, Anaconda), father of Angelina Jolie, says, "Angie, come home. You have serious emotional problems."

Ooo, scandal! Neither Salon nor the ever-lovable Roger Ebert liked Steven Soderbergh's new movie, Full Frontal, which has David Duchovny, David Hyde Pierce, Catherine Keener, Julia Roberts, and Brad Pitt in it.

Shark ATTAX!! The advice for how to avoid getting eaten by a shark at the end of this article is nuts. Afraid of a shark attack? No problem! Just wear a beige bathing suit!

Hey Amy and TBL: here is something about banks. Hits close to home. My favorite bank, we all know, is Bank of McDonald's.

A commuter train in Boston kept going and picked up passengers after someone had a heart attack. The victim later died.

A classic toothbrush gets a new design. Have you been to Duane Reade lately? You can't even get a toothbrush for less than $3. Ridiculous. Everything is overly complex, IMO. And this isn't helping. (NYT, free reg req'd)

Same damn thing happened to me last time I took Viagra. I'm like "Hey, I can't help it if you have to have white silk brocade sheets! I'm sure it'll stop any second now."