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October 23, 2003
Laura's Bachelor recap
Is there a plague running rampant through the Bachelorette pad? It would seem so, from the mysterious lesion on Brooke's left cheek. But Bob removed her anyway (how did that blond void make it so far?), even after she went for it in the video-message and told him, robotically, "you have changed my life in so many ways." Was she referring to her brand-new STD? Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense. I guess we'll be able to tell next week if she transferred anything to the other ladies, or if they escaped their scarlet A's.
But on to the awesome one-on-one dates awarded to three very special girls -- Mary, Estella, and Kelly Jo -- by Bob's visiting friends! Ohmigod, what I wouldn't GIVE to go to a deserted amusement park with Bob like Mary did, and see it get all LIGHTED UP just for me (this beats the previously mentioned private fireworks display and cruise-ship date for biggest depression-fest, by the way). I also envied her SO MUCH when they were tied together and flung back and forth through the air! Just like flying! Mary said that it was great to be flying, because every time she's with Bob she feels like she's floating anyway (gag), so this was an actual physical manifestation of her love.
Mary (this is the 35 year-old Puerto Rican "fireball" who mentions every chance she gets that she wants a man and wants to have kids NOW) wasn't so happy, next day or the day after, when Kelly Jo opened her own private date box. First there was the grim face, then the tears. These ladies are the crying-est bitches I've ever seen -- it's fabulous. Mary explained, through choking sobs, that it was so hard to see someone else go where she has gone before, namely Bob's sucky, slurpy mouth. "Damn, girl!" Bob said. "Come wif!" And later: "Let's get outta he-ah, yo." The overriding theme for last night's show seemed to be shock and dismay that Bob is dating six girls at once. What???!! Six girls at once!! No one told me I was signing up for this! I didn't sign up for this! Estella had a mini-breakdown during the lame Las Vegas date that may have hurt her standing a bit. Even as they kissed noisily in private, she felt the Others pressing against her, robbing her of her lifeblood and love. She told Bob, as she wept in the bathroom, "I just wish I had met you in a normal situation." Bob's response: "Do what you have to do in there, 'kay?" Later he told us, "Estella has been perfect at every moment up til now, but after this little bump in the road, I have to do some major re-considering." Spoken like a man ready for marriage.
Oh, Lee Ann. I will miss you so much. I really will. You are the biggest bitch, and the scariest elementary school teacher I have ever known, except for the fifth grade teacher who ridiculed my left-handedness by writing my backwards check-marks on the board for all to see. Lee Ann, who by her own admission never cries, did some thinking while Mary was on her one-on-one date. She sat out back in the swing and thought. She thought and thought. When she came back in, she interrupted the four chums, who were making dinner, and asked them to come talk to her in the living room. Rolling of eyes, grabbing of wine glasses, and they obeyed. Then she sat them down and began to cry. She shared her heart's pain, her desire for their friendship (she's told us and them multiple times that she has no interest in making friends with anyone), her wish to make things up to them, and they all stared. Kelly Jo said something vaguely reassuring, then Estella concluded by saying, "let's eat."
Just before the rose ceremony, Lee Ann reiterated her confidence in the ultimatum she had given Bob last week, which she believed would secure her a place among the final four at least. I was starting to think that her "female blackmail" may work, especially after seeing the dull, submissive glitter in Bob's eyes, but my husband assured me that Bob would have forgotten having said anything at all to Lee Ann last week. And if he remembered, he surely wouldn't care enough to honor it. He sure didn't! It was a beautiful moment when the bitch went down. But it must be noted (this from a fellow Bachelorite) that Lee Ann has the healthiest self-esteem in the world. Even at the moment when shame and agony should have been crippling her, she seemed wholly composed, and certain that only "sabotage" could have made Bob reject her. It could have nothing at all to do with her as a person. Wow. If I could have that kind of self-confidence for just one day...I could rule the world! For that day, at least.
In general, Bob was off his game on the group date with Meredith, Lee Ann, and Brooke. The silly man was telling them that he liked all six of them equally! No lady appreciates that kind of honesty. But my fellow Bachelorites and I have concluded that maybe Bob is so hopeless, and so receptive to outspoken female desperation (Mary: "I want a rose tonight. But more than that, I want you. I can't wait to have that rose and then lay a big fat wet one on you." Kelly Jo: "I can imagine waking up next to you for the rest of my life.") because he's been kind of a loser his whole life. Yes, he was on the football team, etc., but he was never the "stud" before - he was the funny, fat guy. Now, according to ABC and these brainwashed lady-girls, he's The Stud. Can he handle it? Can he pull off this juggling act without resorting to the honesty so anathema to our sacred show? "Damn, girl!" He said. "Come wif!" And later: "Let's get outta he-ah, yo." He might do well to take his own advice, cuz it's all downhill from here, yo. He's gonna have to pick one of these bitches, then all th'otha bitches gonna be pissed. For real. -Laura
