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October 10, 2003
Laura's Bachelor Recap, Vol. 1
ABC is definitely making good on its promise to "shake things up" on The Bachelor this season, not only in terms of format (last night, for the first time ever, we were denied a ROSE CEREMONY, for Christ's sake - my husband declared he felt "blue-balled"). The other shake-up came last night in the form of the girls' (no, these are not women - maybe I should say ladies as Bob does) behavior. I'm female, and I have discussed this with other females, but none of us could decipher what happened last night when Chris Harrison (The Bachelor's anti-charismatic host) asked the girls to vote in complete secrecy for who was most compatible and least compatible with Bob. At first, a grave silence descended on the group. There were blank stares, mouths drooped...then, lips began to tremble! Tears welled up, first in Antoinette's eyes, then in Mary's, then Misty's, Brooke's, Kelly Jo's, etc. (only bitch-queen Lee Ann remained unmoved, and as perplexed as the rest of us)....then the tears poured over, some embraced, others shunned human comfort. The first lady returned from the voting room, and the next shuddering, sobbing victim was led away. As far as I could tell, all they had to do was sit in a room, write down someone's name on a sign for "most compatible," do the same for "least compatible," hold up the sign to the ever-present camera, and explain their choices. For some reason, this rendered the ladies as traumatized as if they had been asked to consign two of their peers to the gas chamber. In short, in case you haven't guessed yet, it was fantastic. Antoinette put the goddamn cherry on the sundae, too - she was actually sobbing in front of the camera in the secret voting room, begging the producers, "please don't make me do this, please." She was so terrorized she could merely hold up the signs without commenting on them - of course she had written Lee Ann's name for "least compatible," like everyone else (Lee Ann is a filthy bitch), but for some reason she seemed to feel the shame and guilt of the entire group, or the entire human race, for that matter. Some people are more sensitive, I guess - as for me, my husband, and our long-distance Bachelor-watching pals, we pissed ourselves laughing. But we were deeply moved by the level of shockingly unacceptable behavior to which the show has stooped.
Onward and upward to more unacceptable behavior - Meredith, by far the prettiest, classiest gal of the bunch, voted most compatible by the group and thereby awarded a special one-on-one date with Bob, received very bad news while on film. Her mother called to tell her that her grandmother had died. Meredith was upset, but once again the girls took this opportunity to burst into tears, not only while they were "comforting" poor Meredith, but long afterwards (or so it seemed from the brilliant editing). At one point, Mary was walking upstairs and pushed her palm at the camera, whispering, "please don't film me" in her husky voice. Next day, she was donning a crotch-high nightie and crooning Journey's "Open Arms" with Bobby...more on that later.
Meredith rallied and went on her one-on-one date with Bob, a short hour after learning of Grannie's demise! Spoils to the young and strong! Tally-ho, Meredith, we salute thee! Bob stuck his tongue down her throat a few times to comfort her. Actually, those two have the best, perhaps most sincere chemistry, from what I can tell so far. Meredith lends a little class to Blue-Collar Bob. I guess I should address my feelings about Bob openly instead of making snide allusions to him being "blue-collar" or low-class. Well, I guess I think he's pretty low-class and sleazy, and he looks kind of like a big rat. He was funny on The Bachelorette, but he doesn't really bust out the lines on this show - every now and then he comes through, but most of the time he's too busy fingering and/or frenching any one of the "ladies" to say much of anything.
Now on to the segment of the show that nearly made me retch. I have a stomach of iron, especially for smut like this, but I swear I almost hurled after watching (greedily, I should note) the three-girl Karaoke/Brothel date with Bob. The three girls (Mary, Misty, and Kelly Jo) were totally PSYCHED to get their group date card, with a box of lingerie as accompaniment. The little sluts put on their duds which barely covered their butts and dugs, and Bob came to the door in full PJs: pants, shirt, and long, concealing robe, as befits a man in charge of a harem. The ladies got up and sang duets with The Master, then one by one (except for Mary - she's WAY past her prime at 35, and her college-girl antics were especially pathetic last night - come on sweetie, you ain't foolin' no one, even with that sexy Latina act) Bob led them off to the BED (one dear friend and fellow Bachelorite has noted the convenient presence of BEDS on every single date this season) to stick his tongue down their throats and reveal much of their upper thighs and shadowy glimpses of crack for the cameras. At one point, he was in bed with all three of them. Yes, this is prime-time, mainstream television we're watching, ladies and gentlemen.
By the end it was revealed that Lee Ann, who led a one-lady cat-fight at the bitches' villa on the show last night and is universally despised, won the least-compatible person prize: a one-on-one date with Bob. The ladies, when voting, hadn't realized this would be the end-product of their unified hatred until Chris announced it afterwards - they were shocked, and I think it produced even more tears, although it was hard to distinguish one set of sobs from another last night. Then the show abruptly ENDED. We really couldn't believe it. I thought it would be extended until 9:30 or 10, there was so much more to say and do....but it ended right at nine, with frustrating yet titillating previews of next week's extravaganza: Lee Ann's date with Bob and the third rose ceremony. And there we were, left with "blue balls" until next Wednesday. Stay tuned. -Laura
