November 6, 2003
Laura's Bachelor Recap: The Porking Episode, in the style of literary lions
My fellow dedicated Bachelorites will surely remember the parallel episode from last season, during which Tina from Wisconsin, something of a prude, ended up moaning (off-camera but ON sound) in the arms of Andrew "Wooden-Man-But-Must-be-Smooth-Hands" Firestone. The moans began way too soon for full penetration (they had JUST turned out the lights), but digital expertise cannot be ruled out. Despite giving (some of) her all, she was dumped shortly thereafter. Too little too late? A lesson from which ladies should learn.
Another parallel episode, very first season, was one of the best Bachelor moments of all time: Alex doing Amanda in a hotel room for "dessert," complete with chocolate fudge, whipped cream, and not a cherry in sight, believe me, and a POLAROID to prove it. The photo, briefly flashed on the screen, showed Amandas drunken, leering face smeared with chocolate, with her bare cleavage just visible in the shadows below. It looked like she was on her hands and knees. I swear. I have no witness to this because I watched it alone, and whenever I tell people they dont believe me. I know it happened, and by golly, it worked! She got the final rose and snared the sleaziest Bachelor of all, for a few days.
A word on Bob, after enduring him through last nights show: The saddest thing on earth may be watching three nice, pretty women fighting for the love and eternal companionship of an UGLY PUFFY GREASY-HAIRED JHERI-CURLED RAT-FACED EMPTY MAN who will only grow puffier and greasier as the years go by, as his millisecond of fame sinks deeper and deeper into the murky waters of Lethe. Why does someone like Bob get to turn down someone like Mary, who is perfectly nice, has a big heart, a great bod, a pretty face and just wants someone to love her and make babies with? It made me angry and sad. This was not a fun "Porking Episode" at all. I miss all the bitches bitching in their villa together. I miss Lee Ann and cant wait to see her next week for the reunion show.
That said, Ill do my best to represent last nights show, in the spirit of Meredith carrying on so bravely just seconds after her grandmothers death. The ladies were putting it all on the line: Kelly Jo declared her love outright and told Bob she required him to say nothing in return, nothing at all, and she willingly went off to do him. (Imagine howling sounds from my husband, who couldnt believe Bobs good fortune in this.) Poor Mary came right out and told him she was in love with him, but she also made the fatal mistake of asking IF HE COULD POSSIBLY BE MAKING SEX with the other two ladies? Bobs response was appropriately biblical, and highly successful: "Girl," he said, "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1) Mary nodded her understanding and consented to the Fantasy Fuck Suite, which ended up doing her no bit of good. Estella was perfect in Belize. Absolutely perfect. She must have learned her lesson in Las Vegas, because she was the bubbly, empty skeleton-vessel of which every sleazy man dreams!
On a technical note, the camera work was excellent last night. At one point they took the cameras underwater on a sorkeling trip. UNDERWATER, man! Fuckin awesome.
Now the fantasy dates, in summary form, after Hemingway, Faulkner, and Stein, respectively: