Amy's Robot

Laura's Bachelor Recap: The Porking Episode, in the style of literary lions

Considering that ABC gave us just one measly hour (part of their cheaply titillating new m.o.) to absorb what I like to call "The Porking Episode," I feel obliged to provide a little set-up for this major event. First, a brief word on the format: Bob had private dates with each of the three remaining girls: Kelly Jo, Mary, and Estella. At the end of each date, an invitation arrived, to everyone’s great (!) surprise, giving each lady one of two choices: A.) Practice abstinence and face definite dumping at the next ceremony, or B.) Give up the booty in a "fantasy suite" and still possibly get dumped. That may not be the exact wording on the card, and usually everyone claims to have "cuddled" all night long, but we all know what’s going on, down, and in and out.

My fellow dedicated Bachelorites will surely remember the parallel episode from last season, during which Tina from Wisconsin, something of a prude, ended up moaning (off-camera but ON sound) in the arms of Andrew "Wooden-Man-But-Must-be-Smooth-Hands" Firestone. The moans began way too soon for full penetration (they had JUST turned out the lights), but digital expertise cannot be ruled out. Despite giving (some of) her all, she was dumped shortly thereafter. Too little too late? A lesson from which ladies should learn.

Another parallel episode, very first season, was one of the best Bachelor moments of all time: Alex doing Amanda in a hotel room for "dessert," complete with chocolate fudge, whipped cream, and not a cherry in sight, believe me, and a POLAROID to prove it. The photo, briefly flashed on the screen, showed Amanda’s drunken, leering face smeared with chocolate, with her bare cleavage just visible in the shadows below. It looked like she was on her hands and knees. I swear. I have no witness to this because I watched it alone, and whenever I tell people they don’t believe me. I know it happened, and by golly, it worked! She got the final rose and snared the sleaziest Bachelor of all, for a few days.

A word on Bob, after enduring him through last night’s show: The saddest thing on earth may be watching three nice, pretty women fighting for the love and eternal companionship of an UGLY PUFFY GREASY-HAIRED JHERI-CURLED RAT-FACED EMPTY MAN who will only grow puffier and greasier as the years go by, as his millisecond of fame sinks deeper and deeper into the murky waters of Lethe. Why does someone like Bob get to turn down someone like Mary, who is perfectly nice, has a big heart, a great bod, a pretty face and just wants someone to love her and make babies with? It made me angry and sad. This was not a fun "Porking Episode" at all. I miss all the bitches bitching in their villa together. I miss Lee Ann and can’t wait to see her next week for the reunion show.

That said, I’ll do my best to represent last night’s show, in the spirit of Meredith carrying on so bravely just seconds after her grandmother’s death. The ladies were putting it all on the line: Kelly Jo declared her love outright and told Bob she required him to say nothing in return, nothing at all, and she willingly went off to do him. (Imagine howling sounds from my husband, who couldn’t believe Bob’s good fortune in this.) Poor Mary came right out and told him she was in love with him, but she also made the fatal mistake of asking IF HE COULD POSSIBLY BE MAKING SEX with the other two ladies? Bob’s response was appropriately biblical, and highly successful: "Girl," he said, "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1) Mary nodded her understanding and consented to the Fantasy Fuck Suite, which ended up doing her no bit of good. Estella was perfect in Belize. Absolutely perfect. She must have learned her lesson in Las Vegas, because she was the bubbly, empty skeleton-vessel of which every sleazy man dreams!

On a technical note, the camera work was excellent last night. At one point they took the cameras underwater on a sorkeling trip. UNDERWATER, man! Fuckin’ awesome.

Now the fantasy dates, in summary form, after Hemingway, Faulkner, and Stein, respectively:

Alaska (Kelly Jo) (Hemingway)

He stood behind her as the huskies pulled their weight. Without warning, she stepped up beside him to hold the reins. When the ride stopped, the huskies mounted her. Then he mounted her. They rolled and rolled in the snow until the chopper landed beside them. Back at the lodge, he mounted her on the bear rug. There were candles all around. This is heaven, she sighed. He downed a final shot of whiskey then probed her gullet. I’m in love with you, she whimpered. He led her to the bedroom and shut the door.

Wyoming (from Mary’s / Benjy’s perspective) (Faulkner)

They came, the ladies came, and rubbed us down with honey and spices. They rubbed us so hard it was good but much better was Bob. Bob took my feet. He took them in his hands and loved them. So good it was in the shower when the honey and spices dripped down my body and Bob rubbed me off and it was good the man I love rubbing me down in the shower. We ate rich food by the fire, not fire, but candles, candles around us flickering. He knows me and loves me and now we will marry, make babies by the bushel. First, Bob said, we must practice the making of babies. I watched the flames flickering all around as he lay me down.

Belize (Estella) (Stein)

She is a very good girl. She gave Bob her best voice. Her best voice was something like Leila’s voice, Leila who is three years old. Leila knows when to behave, when to stay silent, and when to speak. So does Estella. Estella is very small. She is obedient in her smallness, her boniness in the bikini she wore in Belize. This is good, she told Bob. Everything is good. I am so happy, she said. She told him she did not think anything about the other girls. Not a thing. Bob was glad. Bob said he was glad she was happy. They swam with the sharks and fish in the sun-dappled clear water. Where is Belize? Estella asked. Dunno, Bob replied. But it’s straight trippin, yo, he added. Estella behaved. Where are we? She asked. Dunno, Bob answered. He gave her a rose. He asked her if she would take it. You better Belize it, she smiled. -Laura

categories: TV
posted by adm at 2:24 PM | #