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April 13, 2004
Guest blogger: Andrew Does Miss USA
Some observations my roommate Todd and I made during the Miss USA telecast on NBC last night:
* Host Billy Bush (Todd: "???" Me: "Access Hollywood!" Todd: "??????") informed us that the competition would feature an evening gown competition, a swimsuit competition, and an interview competition. What's missing? Yes--the /talent/ competition. But why axe the most reliably cringe-worthy part of the pageant? Todd concluded that it was probably too time consuming to give each woman three minutes to perform. Plus, too many apples vs. oranges, belly dancers vs. baton twirlers. No joke here, just an observation.
* A profile on last year's Miss USA winner concluded with the message that with hard work and dedication anything is possible. So long as you're also reasonably attractive. [Amy: and under 27 years old.]
* The runner-up in the competition admitted during her interview that her proudest achievement was founding a program pairing "stray animals with stray children."
* Before the commencement of the swimsuit competition, they made a big deal about how the competitors--sorry, I meant "delegates"--would be wearing nothing but "swimsuits and heels." How porno is that?
* But what makes the above even weirder is that, in truth, these pageants are targeted towards a female audience (as the commercial sponsors clearly indicate). In trying to think of a male analog to the beauty pageant--a true celebration of masculinity enjoyed by other men--the best I can come up with is the "World's Strongest Man" competition, wherein hulks toss kegs of beer over their heads. Football, too.
* We wondered if the celebrity judges really do judge the pageant, or if they are just props.
* NASCAR legend Jeff Gordon must have been wondering why he agreed to be on that panel of judges. He was easily the biggest name there.
* America learned that there is an NBC soap called "Passions," thanks to one of the judges being from that program. Later in the telecast we learned that the winner of Miss USA would win a guest role on that show. In short, one of the judges was selecting her co-star.
* Thanks to an overabundance of make-up, there was only one "delegate" whose eye color we could discern. (Miss Oklahoma. Blue.) [Amy: Though Miss New Hampshire, above, is pretty cute.]
Some suggestions my roommate Todd and I have for improving the Miss USA telecast:
* Instead of using pseudo-celebrities, have the judges of the pageant be a randomly selected panel of 14 year-old boys.
* Each of the contestants should compete against one another in grueling physical challenges. Wait, I forgot. They did that on "Fear Factor: Miss USA Edition," right before the pageant. Which was much more entertaining.
* . . . although they could have done better than a modified flexed arm hang for the final stunt.
* Make the entire competition follow the arc of a real relationship. Start with a small-talk sort of interview. Move on to the evening gown competition. Then a lingerie competion. Then on to a very serious interview. Then change the channel. -Andrew
Whiskas adds:
I was wondering last night - when do you make that decision, to go for Miss USA vs. Miss America? Is it when you realize your boobs are too big, or you're just a little too trashy? Or is it like major league baseball, with different divisions?
I know you've always wondered, so yeah, what does Miss USA win?
1) a cameo on "Passions"
2) A crystal chandelier
3) A scholarship to the NY Film Academy
4) 2 round trip airline tickets to anywhere in the Continental U.S.
I mean, for god's sake, is it Miss USA or the fucking Price is Right? -Whiskas [Amy: I think the nonprofit community center where I work comes up with better prizes for the raffle on staff appreciation day.]
