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September 2, 2004
Vote for Bush, or Terrorists will Kill your Family
Ive made no secret in this space of my beliefs, so you may be startled when I tell you that as of last night, I plan to vote for George Bush in November. As I lay on my floor watching nutcase Zell Miller and creepy Dick Cheney*, a damp cloth over my head to prevent my brain from exploding, I finally realized what all those folks screaming USA! USA! have known all along. It's just so much easier to be a Republican.
I mean, now that Im a Republican, I know that our nation has the best healthcare in the world, that thanks to our President, Im no longer overburdened by federal taxes and that people are returning to work mortgage rates are low and home ownership in this country is at an all-time high. I know that this is a land of opportunity, and if you work hard, you can overcome any odds and become a millionaire.
Now that Im a Republican, I know that John Kerry is not just an indecisive wuss, but dangerous and possibly even a traitor to this great country of ours. I know that the President and Laura Bush have a kind, homespun affection for each other and their family, and if they have enough love in their hearts for two twits like Jenna and Barbara, then they must have enough love for me too.
But most importantly, I know that terrorists are waiting just outside my door, determined to kill my entire family. And as we all know, a vote for Kerry is just a vote for Osama.
*CNNs Jeffrey Toobin referred to last night's attack as the single most negative speech I have ever heard at a political convention.
