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February 2, 2005


State of the Who, Now?

Phew! It's lucky all those flying pieces of rhetoric and loose metaphors didn't take out one of Barack Obama's eyes! With such skillful wordsmithing, who even knew what our President was saying in his 2005 State of the Union address? Luckily, we've already had some experience in translating Bush's talking points. A few highlights:

"America's prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government...My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 government programs that are not getting results, or duplicate current efforts, or do not fulfill essential priorities."
My staff tells me there are poor people around here somewhere, but honestly, folks, I've never seen them. I don't even know what HUD stands for!

"We must free small businesses from needless regulation and protect honest job-creators from junk lawsuits. Justice is distorted, and our economy is held back, by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims."
That's right, freeloaders. Don't go thinking you can sue government contractors just because you got asbestosis building our naval fleets!

"Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent federal tax code...you and I will work together to give this Nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand, and fair to all."
After all, what's hard to understand about "No taxes?"

"I have a message for every American who is 55 or older: Do not let anyone mislead you. For you, the Social Security system will not change in any way."
Your children, however, might want to start stockpiling cans of cat food now.

"Instead of 16 workers paying in for every beneficiary, right now it's only about three workers — and over the next few decades, that number will fall to just two workers per beneficiary. With each passing year, fewer workers are paying ever-higher benefits to an ever-larger number of retirees."
And then the operator says, "The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!"

"And every year afterward will bring a new shortfall, bigger than the year before. For example, in the year 2027, the government will somehow have to come up with an extra 200 billion dollars to keep the system afloat..."
I mean, seriously, where could we ever come up with an extra $200 billion?

"Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must strive to build a culture of life."
Man, Dana Reeve looks pissed.

"Now we need to focus on giving young people, especially young men in our cities, better options than apathy, or gangs, or jail. Tonight I propose a three-year initiative to help organizations keep young people out of gangs, and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence."
I call this program "the Army."

"During this time of war, we must continue to support our military and give them the tools for victory..."
Did C-SPAN really have to cut to Rumsfeld when I said "tool?"

"In the long term, the peace we seek will only be achieved by eliminating the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder...And to the Iranian people, I say tonight: As you stand for your own liberty, America stands with you."
God, I love that line. I hope nobody remembers I used it already. Shit, man, this Iran invasion is going to be awwwwwesome.

categories: Politics
posted by Emily at 10:42 PM | #

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