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October 16, 2003
Laura's Bachelor Recap
It looks like everybody's favorite bitch is sticking around! Props to the bug-eyed Lee Ann for pulling it off. She has an amazing talent for verbally abusing those nicest to her (Bob included, I guess), and getting away with it. Maybe she learned that from her 2nd graders. In any case, I offer thanks to the god(s) of your choosing that Bob hasn't dumped her yet -- she's certain to spice things up in future episodes, and I eagerly anticipate hearing those sirens in the distance whenever Bob does dump her and she either a) resorts to violence or b) has a panic attack to top the one from Bachelor #1 (or was it #2?), a shining moment in the Bachelor Archives. In short, Lee Ann is left standing along with the following: Meredith, Kelly Jo, Brooke, Estella and Mary -- we're down to six contenders.
For some mean reason (perhaps they're taking cues from Lee Ann), ABC cheated us out of seeing the box arrive for Lee Ann's one-on-one date with Bob, and skipped right to her hair and mask preparations. We had been given glimpses of Lee Ann taunting her grim-faced house-mates when the box arrived (full of tacky blue prom dress and matching "million-dollar" jewels) in the previews, and then nothing came of it in the actual show! Unbelievable. Anyway, what they did give us were shots of Lee Ann bitching at Karin, the only girl dumb/sweet enough to help with her date preparations, brilliantly interwoven with more somber scenes of Bob driving to the Ho-House in an old-timey pimp car, pondering out loud the significance of Lee Ann's "Least Compatible" status. The chemistry-less pair went on a fabulous date to...(drumroll)...Long Beach, CA! I think there is nothing in the world more horribly depressing than a date on a cruise ship (except maybe a date to a water park -- more on that subject later), but when they pulled up in front of the big boat, Lee Ann thought she was dreaming! The "Queen Anne" all to themselves, a view of the SPECTACULAR Long Beach harbor by night, and a private fireworks show to boot! Oh -- sorry -- THAT'S worse than a cruise, a water park, AND a view of the Long Beach "skyline" combined -- fucking fireworks. I hate fireworks. Lee Ann and Bob had, in her words, an "orgasmic" time -- i.e., a little talking in between tonguing as the burning cinders fell all around them - not close enough, unfortunately, to do any harm. When Bob pressed her about why every single person in the house despised her, Lee Ann acted clueless, and assured him she wasn't a "mega-bitch" when he wasn't looking. Boy, will he have a big fat surprise if he takes her as his holy hellhole of a wife.
On a side note, Bob's use of hip-hop lingo is really annoying. Every chance he gets, he throws in an "ah-ight," an "awww, yeh," or a "you go, girl," and, paired with that hyena, hillbilly laugh of his, it's wholly repugnant.
Now for a private glimpse into the real lives of little girls: Meredith and Kelly Jo holding one another, crying over the unfairness of M's grandma's recent death. Meredith, my favorite "horse" by far, (all my money's on her, although I hope Bob doesn't ruin her life by picking her and dragging her to his "Wigga" den in Detroit) was telling K.J. how her emotions had been veering from sadness to anger and back again, and as we shared in this moment of touching, prime-rib exploitation, my husband turned to me and said the most perfect thing that could have been said: "god, it would be great if they started making out."
The five losers who were stuck with the group date were bummed from the moment the box arrived, chock-full of teeny bikinis!! As one girlie stated, "I'm sick of wearing bikinis all the time -- we do that around the house all day." The energy they all spurted out in the beginning of the show has waned a bit, perhaps in direct proportion to the gnawing away of their minuscule souls by their hatred and jealousy of Lee Ann. Those poor saps got stuck going to a water park, five girls to one Bob. The date looked like it totally sucked. We watched avidly as they slid down the scary rides for fake boobies to come bursting out, but to no avail.
On a final note, Lee Ann seems to have no prior knowledge or understanding of the way men operate. When she spoke privately with Bob just before the rose ceremony, she bullied him, with an ingenious mixture of tears and verbal abuse, into agreeing that he wouldn't give her a rose that night if he didn't want to stick with her FOREVER. So now that she has a rose, she feels "really secure" because he wouldn't have picked her if he didn't mean to keep her forever, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. - Laura
