November 13, 2003
Laura's Bachelor Recap: The Sorority/Cheerleader Reunion Episode
Before I begin, THANK YOU HOLY OF HOLIES FOR GIVING US TWO HOURS NEXT WEEK. It's about time. Is it possible we saw a teeny tiny glimpse of Kelly Jo sporting a Bob-look-alike JHERI-CURL on her Last-Chance date with Bob?? Beautiful acts of desperation, way beyond giving up the (rhymes with) stuff, are in store for us all.
Trista and Ryan are getting MARRIED, you guys!!! The fun does not have to end with this season. It's such a relief.
You guys, I feel like I haven't been totally honest with you in the past recaps. I feel like I've been putting on a voice that wasn't true to my heart, and I want to follow my heart, because all of the girls on the show have been so honest, and I respect that. So for the recap of last night's reunion show I知 going to open up and reveal my inner self.
WHAT was Meredith wearing last night that made her look so fat? I thought she was a Kappa, but now me and my friend (who is also a Kappa) think she's probably a THETA. Thetas are lower in the order of things if you don't know. I mean they're kind of like Kappas, but a little bit more down-to-earth is what they would say. We would say they just don't quite have the class that Kappas have. Although she could still be a Kappa, because she was like, "get me out of here," for that scene in the hot tub when they were all cheering. It's true some Kappas may have been cheerleaders, usually in middle or high school, but they would never be cheerleaders in college, and they certainly wouldn't be cheering on TV. So she obviously has some class even though her parents weren't exactly what we expected - they seemed a little bit poor, right? Not that there's anything wrong with cheering in the hot tub, actually -- I think she was probably just jealous because those girls were much younger than her and had a lot of spirit. She should have been like, "hey, you guys are really talented" instead of rolling her eyes and making fun of them. So this just came into my head, but here's a cheer for Meredith:
Hey! Big Sister! Hey hey, Big Sister!
You don't have to be so glum
In the hot tub with your chums
Why don't you just loosen up
But DON'T wear off-the-shoulder stuff
Hey! Big Sister! Hey hey, Big Sister!
I don't know why I'm calling her Big Sister but it seems to fit, especially since she's so much older (and bigger) than everybody else, except for Mary who is the "oldest bachelorette ever." Oh my god! How embarrassing would that be?! I mean, I respected her for opening up the way she did and for still looking really good at that age, but I would just die if everyone knew I was 35 and had also been dumped by TWO fiances on top of Bob, who is not that hot in the overall scheme of things. I think it's really possible they might pick Mary to be the next Bachelorette, but I think she'll have to have some work done because you can see her age a little bit, especially around the eyes and the mouth. She could at least have some Botox injections, which are way cheaper than other types of plastic surgery, and even some younger women do it sometimes, just to freshen up the face a little, like a mask that lasts longer.
Mary, Mary, don't you cry
Even though you're thirty-five
Hopefully you'll have more tries
Or at least just one more try
Go Mary, Go Mary, Go! Go Mary, Go Mary, Go!
I want that last part to send her out there with a lot of positive spirit, because everyone knows she needs it. But back to Meredith for a second - her idea that she was totally to blame for what happened with Bob (mostly because of her grandma dying) was way out of line. I mean, he came right out and SAID he didn't want her, but she still kept saying, "it's all my fault." So in that way I guess she kind of IS more of a Kappa than a Theta because Kappas are really proud so they would totally deny that a guy could break up with them unless it was because of something they did on purpose, and not something he chose to do. But she should NOT have taken him to the graveyard -- no guy would ever be into that, especially on a second date or ever really, even after you're married. I would never tell my guy that my grandmother had died and I was sad, can you help me, that is such a major turn-off.
Okay, I wrote a cheer for blondes because I felt so angry at Bob - it was just like that kind of ugly blond girl said last night: why did he dump all the blondes? And before I cheer, I have another question: who were all those dogs in the audience? Are they the girls who sent in applications but didn't get even past the first round so they gave them tickets to the reunion show or something?
Oh! My God! Oh, oh my god!
Blondes are so awesome! They can really rock!
Bob doesn't like 'em, but hey we just don't care!
He's kind of fat and greasy, don't like his beady stare.
So Bob, if you're listenin', this one goes to you:
We are so perfect,
That last part you have to kind of lower your voice and do what we call a "grunt" in cheering, even though I didn't cheer after middle school, but I remember the grunt because it sounds almost like an animal. It's really fun to do and adds some anger to the end of a cheer, which can be really important if your team is losing, not that blondes are ever losing.
I'm kind of embarrassed to say this, but I LOVED Lee Ann last night. First of all, she was so pretty, she looked way better than Meredith, and really she has her head together and knows what she wants. What she said about not being a bridesmaid but being a bride, for instance, makes a lot of sense. But everyone still seems to hate her, especially the live audience. But why should she care about that audience? They were just ugly, jealous girls who didn't make it as far as she did.
Heeeeeyyyyy Lee Ann!
Goooooooooo Lee Ann!
You will get a man!
You might not have no friends, but you will get a man!
You're still young and lively, some say you're a bitch,
But hey you're really thriving, those girls just have the itch!
Goooooooo Lee Ann! Gooooooooo Lee Ann!
Someone who just read that said it looked like "goo" but it should be "go" just with a really long "O" sound. And also, "the itch" isn't supposed to be something gross, I just meant jealousy! But I guess it could also have two meanings, that makes it more interesting, even though I usually wouldn't say stuff like that. But it's a cheer, so it's different than saying it.
When Bob came out, oh my god! I was so surprised to see him! He was really uncomfortable when that girl from the audience asked him about intimacy, and I thought his answer was really good when he said it was a private thing that was totally up to the individual couples, and NOT something to talk about on television. Haven't these people ever heard of dignity? And why was the girl who asked that question SO UGLY and kind of fat? Where did they get these people? Bob is not perfect, and he must remember being fat not so long ago, and you know that people who were fat once can easily slip back into that, but still, they should have screened the audience more. You know, I don't really understand everyone's problem with Lee Ann because isn't that the way life works? Maybe these girls are just too immature or something, but I think it's totally natural to say, hey how are you, and smile and stuff, and then the next minute be like, "Get away from me, and don't take that guy because I like him, and I'm going upstairs with him before you can get your dirty hands on him you bitch, and I'll kill you if you try to beat me." That was my take on the show last night you guys. I'm still totally betting on Kelly Jo, and even though I like Estella and really want her figure (she has a way better figure than Kelly Jo), I think Kelly Jo will win because basically she's a Tri-Delt (kind of slutty but cute and outgoing) and Bob is a Kappa Sig (football players), and those two go together like PB & J.
Good luck Estella! Good luck Kelly Jo!
Estella, you're so skinny!
Tri-Delts are mainly ho's!
Just remember, Stella, when he picks Kelly Jo,
Hey, you've got your figure
Kelly Jo can be a ho and have the Joe whose weight will yo-yo-yo-yo-YO!
Wow, that one came out really strange, but I kind of like it. I hope that last line comes across without me actually doing the cheer for you. Anyway, thanks for letting me open up and be real this time, you guys. I can't WAIT for next week. -Laura