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November 27, 2003


Laura's "Oh My God! Trista and Ryan Are Getting Married, You Guys!! Wedding Show" Recap!

I'm pretty sure everyone got completely sick of Trista just from watching the promos for this show, and so nobody actually tuned in, but it takes more than an annoying fiance obsessed with pink to keep our relentless special guest Bachelor-recapper Laura from watching. So here you go...Laura's recap of the Trista and Ryan Wedding Show:

Three words: Pete the Rapist. Yes, I’m depending on Ryan’s friend-and-groomsman to keep this shitty yawn-and-barf wedding show afloat. He even tried to rape a mannequin at one point! My God! All the boys were in Kenneth Cole’s special dressing salon, trying on their costumes, and the narrator described them as being “rowdy.” What I saw was Pete groping the dress-doll’s plastic bumps at first, then slinging her over his shoulder with all the gusto of an American G.I. nabbing a 12 year-old Vietnamese girl. Really, it’s pure horror to watch him; he is everything I despise in the male race. A big walking, talking block of meat – even one of Trista’s empty-headed friends seemed repulsed by him when he leaned over to tell her he wasn’t sure about Trista and Ryan (gasp!) – he said he thought T. seemed “high-maintenance.” That phrase should bring to mind someone like Diane Keaton in her early Woody Allen days, or Holly Hunter at her best: a smart, sexy, neurotic-as-hell woman. But Pete the Rapist (PTR for short) is talking about TRISTA here – take a good, long look at her, folks. In his raping crusade has he mixed words around, taking “high maintenance” to mean “low-class nearly-a-hooker” instead? It’s possible.

Trista IS a pain in the ass, if that’s what PTR meant. Aside from her trailer-park love of “pink, pink, pink,” last night we saw this two-bitster waited on hand-and-foot by the best designers in the world…and she STILL managed to choose the sleaziest, tackiest wedding dress and shoes available. Incredible. Not that I’m particularly fond of “top designers,” but some of them manage to produce spurts of classy inventiveness. T’s mom accompanied her on the dress-shopping splurge, so of course we had to see the obligatory mom-crying-at-daughter-in-wedding-dress scene. We were watching with a couple of “Bachelor Virgin” friends (it’s never too late to get hooked, you know), and as a sort of test we asked them: Why on earth is Trista’s mom crying? Their answers, in question form, put us at ease: One said, “Because Trista’s so ugly?” The other said, “Because she’s a whore?” These are obviously newbie Bachelorites on their way to becoming full-bred Initiates.

Trista has some kind of denim wear for every occasion – all different shades of jean jacket, including the anathema 80s “whitish blue” jean jacket, and a white denim skirt with blue butt-pockets that could have made Grace Kelly look like a Ho. I’m sure T’s outfits were made by Badgley Mischka (sp? Who cares?) or Ralph Lauren, but I could have cut ABC’s bill in half by going out to Penney’s myself and picking up their finest denim wear, and no one would have known the difference. A Ho is a Ho is a Ho.

Ryan was a walking zombie through this whole thing; he seemed absolutely miserable, except when he was hanging out with his platoon buddies. As T. led him around by the nose saying, “Pwetty!” or “Oooh, pwetty!” or “That’s sooooo pwetty!” or “I like pink fwowers!” to Mindy, the carefully preserved corpse of a wedding planner, Ryan seemed to have left his body. Where could this man’s tiny mind have been? Was he thinking how COOL it was to have Mindy, who planned ADAM SANDLER’S wedding, planning his own? That’s AMAZING!!!

The only one, besides Trista, who really seemed to give a shit about being involved in the terrible wedding-planning process, was, surprisingly, her father, who should have been screaming and jumping for joy. He said he felt “left out” when they were choosing the cake, the dresses, and the invitations. I guess there’s no need to comment on his sexuality here. Trista resolved this issue (not his sexuality, but his hurt feelings) by telling Mindy The Planner to “shoot him an e-mail update every now and then” so he wouldn’t feel so left out. Everybody felt MUCH better after that.

Oh my god, Mindy planned ADAM SANDLER’S wedding! That’s fucking huge!!! And CHARLIE SHEEN’S too!!

When they were scouting out the location for the ceremony – it looks like they’ve chosen some depressing golf course, spotted with palm trees, in the backyard of what passes for a fancy hotel these days – Mindy dyked out by insisting she and Trista rehearse walking down the aisle (at about the 18th hole?) toward Ryan. As Ryan watched the two lesbos approaching, he had a solemn moment: he said (in his head), that everything was becoming “more real for him.” When he and Trista tried on their hideous matching diamond wedding rings, things became really real, too. Also when she tried on her dress and also when Ryan was trying on his tux at Kenneth Cole’s and also when they were deciding which invitation to send out and also when they were hanging out with their friends at the party.

On a final note, let’s return to Pete the Rapist’s touching speech at the dinner for the wedding party. It wasn’t the rehearsal dinner, just the occasion when Trista and Ryan gathered their “closest and most dear” friends to tell them how lucky they were to be intimately involved in this crappy sideshow. Well, PTR stood up and told everyone how his dad had always told him, when he was choosing a woman, to make sure she had childbearing hips and good teeth. (There was a third category in there that we all missed). PTR actually had the decency to say that he “hadn’t seen Trista’s hips yet,” but he could see she had good teeth (from that relentless grin, I imagine), so he felt like Ryan had made a good choice. Trista was on the verge of tears at this, and he and Ryan embraced.

(By the way, I had initially planned on calling him The Date Rapist instead of Pete the Rapist, but my husband pointed out that this guy’s rapes would NOT necessarily have occurred/have to occur on a date. Excellent point.)

On to St. Martin’s, where we’re promised scenes of two hookers double-teaming Ryan at his bachelor party, leaving Trista to wander around saying, “wheaw did he go?”!!! -Laura

categories: TV
posted by adm at 2:06 PM | #


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