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December 5, 2003
Old People Like Fucking Too
Well, if you're as much of a lonely bastard as I am, you probably spend a lot of time trolling the Salon/Nerve Personals. (If you're a perv, you hang out on Nerve, and if you're real cultured like me, you prefer Salon, even though the personals come from the same pool.)
Anyway if you're the kind of person I'm talking about, you may have noticed a new trend over on Salon Personals. The last few highlighted "Salon Catches of the Day" have been really old! They even have wrinkles and flab! Have a look. (Notice I've helpfully scarlet-lettered their ages into their photos.)
Usually, the Catches of the Day are lithe and omnisexual 23-year-olds who are into "play," Fischerspooner, and ironic hilarity. But this new wave of Catches is notable for another quality, namely a forced lack of cynicism. "Innocence is sexy; experienced is sexier," says lantern-jawed CarnivalRocket, who is 47 but doesn't look a day over 31, as he mixes nouns with adjectives in a failed attempt at rhetorical parallelism. "i don't have to look up the answer to who claire booth luce was married to," adds HollyGo10, 46, purposely dating herself (heh!) just a little bit. What else does being old get you? Spiritual clarity, apparently. Just ask StarMermaid, 44. What's your religion, StarMermaid? "Atheist Zen Hedonist." Greeeaaaaattt. I'll just be down the hall checking on that frozen pizza...
So anyway, what's Salon's motivation for highlighting all these Elders of Net Dating? It's a little reminiscent of that time a couple years ago when Harper's attempted to establish a personals section in the back of the magazine, alongside the ads for Good Vibrations, vanity presses, and Adelphi Unversity. For about 3 months, it was really easy to hookup with a pretentious widower who was "always a traveler, never a tourist" and loved long chess matches on the beach, etc. Harper's quickly realized what a misguided effort the section was, and kiboshed it just as Spy magazine was about to rise from the dead just to make fun it. (I always suspected that distinguished widower was old Lewis Lapham himself, by the way.) So with the introduction of these old Catches, maybe Salon is picking up where Harper's left off, and trying to send a subtle message to their older readers that hey, this dating thing isn't just for kids anymore! Graybeards can have fun, too. And let me tell you something, there's nothing more fun than a 44-year-old Zen Atheist who's up for a little hedonism.
I laugh through my tears, of course, knowing that in the too-near future, I'll be calling up ole Lewis, age 99, pleading with him to revive the personals section so a distinguished gent such as myself ("always a writer, never a blogger") can meet some sophisticated like-minded ladies.
Hey, hold on. What am I waiting for?...I've seen Harold and Maude! I can admit it now: I need you as much as you need me, StarMermaid! Even if your skin is a little crinkly.
