Amy's Robot

Victims or Morons?

Recently, ordering some delicious groceries from the magical NYC delivery service FreshDirect, I noticed this alarming advisory in the Hot Tamales section:

Please note: Due to our chilled shipping and handling environment, candy may be delivered cold. Since cold candies are hard, we recommend you allow them to warm to room temperature before eating.

Now, I'm no shrinking violet when it comes to consumer activism, but people. Seriously. Which one of you geniuses hurt your mouth on a cold Tamale and actually called FreshDirect to complain? Which one of you was so overcome with candy-sickness that you just couldn't wait? You probably knocked your poor delivery guy to the floor, tore open the box with your teeth and jammed a half-pound of candy into your slavering maw to get that sweet, sweet love! And I'll bet a million dollars that you are the same person who called to complain when your candy was delivered warm and melty, resulting in FreshDirect's implementation of a cold candy "environment" in the first place.

Perhaps you are one of those helpless, childlike adults on infomercials who can't be trusted to strain pasta or peel eggs without burning your house down? Or even more likely, you're that guy who was so traumatized by an episode of Fear Factor that you became dizzy and bumped your head on the doorway*, and are now suing NBC for $2.5 million.

Look, you fools - all of you. Get your lives together and let these companies focus on delivering quality food and entertainment. Eat your candy slowly, put some thought into your television viewing, and leave that customer information number open for people with legitimate concerns.

* In this guy's defense, I became equally nauseous and woozy during a Food Network special on mass-produced egg salad. But did I sue the staff of Unwrapped? No.

categories: Culture
posted by Emily at 11:05 AM | #