November 9, 2006
Can Lost be saved?
All in all, we've been pretty quiet about the fall tv season because it's been so -- boring. New shows, old shows -- there's nothing we can get really excited about.
If you watched any of this cruddy 6-episode mini-season* of Lost, you know that the show that used to be so great is pretty much beyond saving at this point. But even if we have officially Stopped Watching Lost (and some of us haven't made it through a whole episode awake this season) there are still some characters that we would miss if the show's producers decided to, say, wipe out the entire island with a really awesome scene of total obliteration by volcano/meteor/tsunami/French woman (is she still even on the island?) blowing everyone away before turning the gun on herself.
Unfortunately, with 357 characters and only 1 hour a week -- plus that 4 month hiatus -- the writers can only do so much. So we've taken it upon ourselves to suggest new opportunities to give our favorite Lost characters the quality and quantity of screen time they deserve while adding much needed spice to the rest of the lackluster fall lineup. How? By deporting all the characters to some other shows!
Jack: He's got daddy issues. Big time. So why not move him to House, where he could adopt Dr. House as his new brilliant but emotionally-distant, dysfunctional father figure? That show needs more fistfights anyway.
Sawyer: Shame on you, writers. Although we appreciate the gesture, making Sawyer shirtless for 6 episodes does not equal character development. We need more of the Sawyer sass -- and where better to see it in effect than sunny California? Sawyer and The OC's Julie Cooper would be an unstoppable team. Sawyer can get it on in a bed for a change, while the two plot to swindle the Newport elite out of their cash.
Sayid: Our favorite ex-Republican Guard interrogator would bring many new scenes of reckless torture with total impunity to 24. "I'm going to shoot him in the knee, Sayid." "No, Jack, I think you will find shooting him in the stomach will be much more effective."
Hurley: Oh Hurley -- Hurley! Does anyone on the island even talk to you anymore? And is there any gang of misfits in which you would not be beloved? Hurley would be right at home with the warehouse guys on The Office, or growing a fabulous moustache to match Jason Lee's on My Name Is Earl. Hell, he'd even be value added on Heroes. What superpower would Hurley have? Flying, or making any woman he wants be uncontrollably attracted to him? "Dude, save the cheerleader, save the....Hey, is that ranch dressing you got over there?"
Sun and Jin: Where the hell have they been for the past few weeks? There are so many opportunities on network television for our favorite couple. With Sun's sailing skills and Jin's, um, negotiating skills, they'd kick ass on The Amazing Race. And with their communication issues and emotional problems, they'd seem like a natural addition to Desperate Housewives' Wisteria Lane. But our true dream is to see them on Wife Swap -- we can only imagine the entertainment value if they appeared opposite the competively eating Badlands Booker family on the season premiere.
Locke: This is a tough one. We used to love Locke -- but even he's growing unwatchable. (No more endless games of Charades. Please.) Locke, we're willing to give you one more chance -- how would you like to anchor the CBS Evening News?
Of course, making room for this many folks means some other characters will have to be displaced. We suggest sending the whiny, useless Peter Petrelli on Heroes, The O.C.'s Seth Cohen, Rachael Ray, and the entire cast of Studio 60 to the island. And then, producers -- do what you will with these new castaways. We won't be watching anyway.
*Sopranos, I blame you for this.
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