November 21, 2003
Finally! Laura's Bachelor Recap: Post-post-partum Depression
I apologize for the delay, but I'm just now recovering from the melancholy that always grips me following the final episode of a "Bachelor." So, after a brisk round of enemas, poppers, and self-administered electroshock therapy, I'm ready to roll. (What's really keeping me going is the thought of Trista & Ryan's wedding show beginning next week AND the tape I haven't watched yet of the Post-Bachelor show that aired Thursday night -- when those end, I'll be screwed anew).
To maintain the illusion (for myself and all of you) that there is no finite end to this season, I've chosen to write this recap as a list of questions, many of which penetrated the doldrums of my post-finale hours. This will hopefully entertain you while it keeps me from jumping off some bridge here in Wisconsin.
Do they have bridges here in Wisconsin?
Did Kelly Jo's rejection have something to do with the metal bar she wore across her breasts on the day Bob dumped her?
Can the word "amazing" really be used every five minutes and retain its meaning and/or impact?
Why does Bob's sister share a name with my security blanket (Dee Dee)?
Why can't I give up my security blanket? Is it a sign of mental illness?
Are Bob's sister (Dee Dee) and mother (Nora) actually the same person?
Is Estella really the skeleton of a toddler, or does she just talk like one?
Did Kelly Jo's rejection have something to do with the greasy jheri curl she sported on her last date with Bob? Was it just too much like looking in the mirror for Bobby?
Is it my imagination, or did Kelly Jo put on weight during all of this, thereby earning the moniker "Piggy" my husband bestowed on her from the very first show?
Can true love and companionship be based on a mutual affinity for real estate?
Is Bob's mother (Nora) really an alcoholic man?
Would Bob be able to get into a time machine and go back six weeks and stay there? (My husband's question)
If this had been an unrated show, would Bob's dad have taken Kelly Jo into the bushes during their walk around the lake and taken her from behind? And would she have acquiesced, in her attempt to win over the family?
Would Bob's brother-in-law have joined in?
(If so, that would have been the hottest action I've seen since the Amy's Robot Sex Tape.)
If Nora is an alcoholic man, and if she and Bob's sister actually are the same person, does that mean that his sister is also an alcoholic man?
So then is my security blanket an alcoholic man?
What does that say about me?
Even if these questions can never be answered, it's clear from Wednesday's finale that "The Bachelor" always teaches us something about ourselves, and about life. I learned a bunch of stuff from Estella, of all people! I really thought she was a bimbo, but during the finale she was a fucking Buddha! I'll leave you with some of her brighter advice to Bob, who was suffering under the pressure of having to choose one from among THREE mistresses, not two: Kelly Jo, Estella, and Sweet Phat Freedom. Here's what Estella said on their unromantic picnic by the shitty Michigan lake:
"Follow your heart. Be true to yourself. Whatever happens is meant to be. Simplify things. We humans always complicate things."
These pearls of wisdom were not as perfectly strung together as they appear above, but it was pretty damn close.
So she won.
I think my husband summed up the rightness of Bob's choice in just a few words, words that recall Estella's gems in their deceptively simple expression of philosophical complexities:
"Well," he said, "she won't run to fat like the other one, and her ass looks good in jeans." -Laura